Merry Berry!

I know I know it’s been awhile. I lost my flow. I lost my passion for the story because honestly I feel like it was going down hill and it is. I haven’t had a romantic experience with Dr. J in months. He now just kind of ignores me at work and stays really busy. I understand that he’s working on getting himself together before he can care for another person properly. My issue with this is simple. Why would you start this and then midway into the best part you say it’s not you it’s me. I am not ready for commitment. Honestly I slipped into a deep depression which I am still unsure of whether I am out of it. I still cry almost everyday. I know it’s pathetic my girl friends tell me all the time that they can’t believe he has taken me down this far. I was their go to bad ass. Now I’m a blubbering mess of a woman. All I can think about is him. And whether or not he thinks of me. If we will ever have a moment. I also get upset and think about how he hasn’t even bothered to meet up with me face to face to speak about this issue. He hasn’t reached out and I can’t force him. So I am stuck looking at him when he comes into work and tries to spill gifts on me. I feel hollow. I barely smile at him when I see him know. I feel like this situation will come to an end either me quitting or him firing me. Or putting me into an extreme position that quitting is my only option. I don’t know I of course do not want that to happen. In my mind I want him to find himself and then come find me. However I must admit over the past week my boyfriend has been making himself known. He’s been doing all the right things and I actually kind of like him again. A little. I still cry after we have any kind of sexual relations because I wish it was Dr. J instead. I am sure I will get over this but for now I am just going to have to deal. I cannot force anyone to do things just because it is what I want. If he wants me he definitely knows how to find me. I am just sad that he got me all in love and then says I am not ready for that. Ugh. What kind of person talks about what our children would look like only to say I am not ready for that commitment. Literally 1 week ago he told me that he is ready to make those tan freckled babies he spoke about before. Talk about playing games. Why even say anything. Anyway tis the season. Christmas is just 4 days away and I crocheted some scarves for his children and I made one for him as well. I figure if I don’t hear from him I will just leave them on his porch. I will leave this whole situation in 2017 and go my own way. No more outer office communications. Though he is now following me on instagram I didn’t return the request though. Been listening to Christmas tunes all day I can’t wait to get Christmas sloshed. Drown my tears in the bottle and get all crying out before the new year begins. Trust me there has been a lot of tears. Tears that I can’t explain. I guess I am just hurt he would have the audacity to reject my love. It’s a first. Plus I am a brat and used to getting what I want. It sucks. Now I know how the rest of the rejects feel. Poop. Anyway wishes for better days. Enjoy yourselves and be safe! I will do the same. I will keep you posted on any new adventures but if I don’t make it back. Don’t forget me!

Summer Love into the Fall

This clandestine love affair continued between myself and Dr.J. Without fail we hung out just about every week. I made plans for us to do some indoor skydiving. We spent the night together and woke up had breakfast together at a local restaurant. Afterwards he had plans to check out a new work truck for his company. So we went to the car dealerships and looked at cars. He would grab my hand even just walking through the lot. The indoor skydiving was a lot of fun. He had been before with his daughters so before we left he purchased a return visit for him and his daughters plus one. Which he said was for when we all came back together. I liked that. We went to get some lunch and then he had to get to work so I called an uber and headed home from there. I didn’t think it made sense for him to take me all the way to my place only to have to return back to the same neck of the woods we currently were in. It was really nice. One day I had to cover the phones in his office because the office manager had an exam at school. I said yes and it turned out to be a bit of phone trouble on his part for the beginning of the morning. I felt really bad but it wasn’t my fault. He should have handled it before it got to that point. Either way after it was all sorted out he went off to work. He showed up at the office later that afternoon and asked me if I could watch his daughters after work because he still had work to do. I said I would. So after work I met him at his house and he told me his oldest daughter was going to her friends place for a school dance and I would watch the twins. So he left and there I was. I had met the girls before so it wasn’t too awkward. His oldest let me know when she had to go and we all piled into his car. He had an accident in his other truck so it was a rental 2017 Suburban pretty fancy. After dropping off his oldest daughter we all headed back to the house. He was texting me letting me know his status while he was away. Me and the twins played outside on the playground in the backyard and I practiced soccer with one of the twins after she had hit her sister in the face and made her cry and run inside the house. After some soccer practice we went back inside and started to play board games. Dr. J was finishing up and told me that I should stay and play games with them. I let him know we had already started that party. He said well maybe we can have some dinner and watch a movie. He came home with some Mexican food and I stayed. It was almost time for his oldest to be done with the dance so we all piled in the car even the dog this time and headed to go pick her up. We sat outside her friends home waiting for them to arrive. The dog sat in my lap. He would grab my hand or leg while he drove. It felt like a family and I liked it a lot. Once she got back he introduced me as his friend to other mom that was there. I wish he would have said something else but we are a secret. I am sure his daughters might wonder why I am suddenly hanging out so much but they don’t know. So we went back to the house and watched a movie called Gifted. We all piled onto the couch and watched it and I left afterward. I had let the twins use my phone earlier and showed them my Night Sky app so we went outside to find the star constellations from the app. I mentioned to the girls that the solar eclipse was coming on Monday. They told me their mom hadn’t been able to get them the glasses. I told them I had some for them. So they asked me to come over tomorrow and to do my hair different. Then I left for home. I forgot I already had plans to visit my friend in Oakland so I wasn’t able to go over there. Dr. J texted me the following morning excited to see me again the following day. I was already on the train to Oakland and I reminded him about it because I had told him I was going there previously. He told me they were looking forward to seeing me. When I got to Oakland I let my friend know that I was on a mission to get solar eclipse glasses. We drive to San Francisco to see if the Exploratorium had them. No luck there. We ended up finding them through craigslist. It was an older asian man who owned a restaurant in the Castro. The restaurant wasn’t open yet but we knocked and he opened up and for about $15 a pair I got three pairs for each of his daughters. After that success we headed back to Oakland and continued on our acid trip. It was one of my favorite trips of the year until…The next adventure I planned for Dr. J & I was a hot air balloon ride. Neither of us had done this before. I was concerned about it because the situation with his work was changing and I wasn’t able to have as much time with him as I wanted. I was being very vocal about my feelings for him which he would reciprocate but it wasn’t enough time for me. I dealt with it. At this time we saw each other like every two weeks maybe? The hot air balloon trip was in September and I think we saw each other maybe once before the trip happened.  The day before the hot air balloon trip I had set up a bed and breakfast for us to stay at. We were hot air ballooning over Napa. So the check in for the bed & breakfast was around 3pm. That morning I went on a bike ride and when I got home he had sent me a text to say he was very excited for the trip. He had some work to do and his daughters had a soccer game as well. However after the game he got an emergency call for work so he wasn’t able to pick me up until around 6pm. He was hungry so we stopped and grabbed a sandwich from the local deli. We sat and talked a bit about life and Then after he picked me up he had another job to do before we could even go to his house. The last job happened to be a bakery so he gave me some money to buy us eclairs however they were out of those so I got some other things. Then he finished and we headed to his house so he could grab some stuff and take a shower. We were finally on the road. While we drove we talked and he told me he had been seeing a life coach. He said this life coach had helped him a lot after his divorce. He mentioned he had brought me up to his life coach. Which made me worried because knowing what I knew about how incredibly overwhelmed he gets in the face of stress that his life coach would no doubt tell him he didn’t have time for me. I began telling him how I feel when he doesn’t respond to my texts and how much I cared for him. Which probably wasn’t the best thing or time to do but I couldn’t help it. He got really quiet while I told him how I was feeling. He said he needed to pull over for a Red Bull. So we did at which point he still never commented on the things I had said before. He instead got enthralled in a text message from his daughter. We got back on the road. Never brought up what I said or anything along those lines the entire trip. I showed him a pic of my mom since we had been talking about her. He said I looked just like her. I had called the B&B earlier to let them know I would be late. It was no worry it was just that I knew we would be in late and that he would be really tired. He has a habit of sleepwalking of sorts he’s not actually sleeping but he’s so exhausted it’s like he is sleep walking. Finally arrived to Napa and found ourselves at the Old World Inn. It was a lovely Victorian home. Our room was Tuscany which had decor reminiscent of a Tuscan home. He was hungry so we went to the nearest place and got some food. We sat and talked for awhile about each other since the food was taking forever to arrive. We had a very early morning and at this time it was probably around 11:30pm. We got back to the room and passed out snuggled together. My alarm went off at 5am. You have to call the Hot Air hotline before in order to see whether or not the balloons are flying. We had a green light so we got up and dressed. The front desk had printed our waivers out like I asked and left them at the front desk. It was a lovely stay. I would definitely go there again. We found the take off point and awaited lift off. We were assigned to Balloon DISCO. Which as it turned out is the newest balloon they have. Our pilot was actually the owner of the company a lovely man named Jay. Hot Air Balloon Aloft. I was very nervous and excited before. I stood there holding Dr. J’s arm while the debriefed us. Then it was time to hope into the wicker basket and take off!! It was great. Super smooth. Very hot up top for us tall folks. A lovely experience I was hugging him and holding his hand. I made sure to kiss him on the hot air balloon. It was beautiful the weather was great. We had a slight detour and a van followed us and picked us up at our landing site. It took some effort we went a bit off course but we made it. I rode in the passenger seat and chatted with Jay the whole way back. He went in for the hug after we safely landed. Was the only person he hugged. I guess because mainly only Dr. J and I were chatting him up the entire ride. Once we arrived back to the take off place. We had a champagne breakfast with the pilot. It was pleasant. He thanked me for such a great trip. We hopped in the car to head back. Without any direction he was taking us the opposite direction we needed to be in to get back home. This went on for about 20 minutes while we were talking. When he finally asked me to get directions he got a little upset and we just kept driving and talking. He dropped me off at home we hugged and kissed before departing. The next time we did see each other he invited me over while his daughters were there and he grilled steaks for us. It was really nice. It was delicious. I was noticing that he wasn’t really available after that. Grant it a few of his main workers had quit and he was losing his shit. He told me he was putting up a front at work and not to tell anyone he was really depressed. I thought this would be a great opportunity for us to be together so that I could provide comfort. He did invite me over one day and I watched movies with him and his daughters. I asked him if we could get together the following weekend and he told me he would love that and that he was available that weekend. He told me this on a Thursday and by Friday he wasn’t answering my messages and didn’t answer any of them for the entire weekend. Until I got back to work the following week and he acted as if nothing had happened at all. So I didn’t say anything that day but a few days later I asked him about it and told him that I had been crying about him not responding because I didn’t understand. Mind you I am a zodiac sign of Cancer to the T, highly emotional and a cry baby. Well about 2 hours later he responded and he told me that he would really like to hang out with me but that he really wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. That he enjoys my company and I likes me as a person but that he can’t commit to anything or anyone at all right now. Said he needs to work on his own issues before he can do this. He said he has been withdrawing from me because he doesn’t want to hurt me at all. My response was simply. I understand.

Tempo

We began seeing each other even more often at that point. Dr. J and I were having weekly meet ups. Whether I was having to stop by his house to pick something up or if I was letting myself in and waiting for him to come home from work. We were working together without anyone knowing that we had just spent the night together and left from the same place in the morning. I told him I would be very professional about our working relationship and it was no one’s business. I was still working my other job and working in his office 2 days of the week. On one occasion he was called into my other job office to talk with management about some invoices. He came into my office and said Hello like nothing was happening. Made a point of saying good bye to me before he left. Then texting me afterward to ask me whether or not they were talking shit about him when he left. I told him not. He also mentioned how weird he feels keeping our whatever we are a secret. Then he said what if I accidentally get you pregnant? Would I keep him a secret forever? This text made me smile so hard. I couldn’t stop smiling because it made me feel like he thinks about me a lot when we aren’t together. And why would he think of such things as what our babies would look like if we had them? He then followed that text with a cover up like I don’t know where that message came from please delete. I didn’t. I liked it. I didn’t want to be secret lovers with him but I knew it was the way it had to be for these beginning stages. One day he asked me to come to his house so that he could pay me for my services (on the job people sheesh!). When I got there he was home with his daughters. They were playing on the front lawn when I came over. One was coming out of the front door and let me inside. I walked in and he hugged me. I felt weird about it because his daughters were just right outside I didn’t want to give them any ideas. I know how it is dating and having kids don’t want them to get the wrong impression. So after the hug we started talking and then he took me outside to officially meet his daughters. They were being shy but got over it really soon. We all went back into the house and him and spoke about work things for a bit. Then he wrote out a check for me. Suddenly his phone went off and he remembered he was late for a meeting. When he told his girls he had to go one of them said is she going to stay with us? He looked at me and then said that would be weird. Since he said that I said yea I’m going to go. By the time I got home I had 3 texts from him. One which said I drive the car like it’s nascar. Then he said he wished I would have stayed then we would have been able to hang out longer. Then he said he really likes me and my attitude. I responded to tell him I didn’t stay because he told me it would be weird. Instead of texting back he called me on the phone. I just happened to be in the bathroom when the call came in and I really didn’t care if my boyfriend heard the conversation. It wasn’t like we were sweet talking or something. He said he wished there would have been a kiss along with the hug I gave him. I was just trying to be cautious of the kids. I wasn’t sure where this was going but I liked it. He asked me to come with him to his daughters first soccer practice. He told me the only other person who had been to his kids soccer practice was him and his ex-wife. I felt super nervous about going. After the practice we went back to his house and he asked if I wanted to stay for dinner. So I did. He made some spaghetti with peaches for dessert. I love peaches. The food was good. At the table they play a game where you tell one truth and one lie and everyone else has to guess which is true or false. It was really cute and fun. I stayed a little bit after that. While at the table he stood behind me and massaged my shoulders. He didn’t know what he was starting but I could feel myself falling. I didn’t care about anything anymore. My boyfriend didn’t even text me anymore. Either he didn’t care or didn’t want to know. This relationship building with Dr. J and I grew more and more. One weekend I wanted to get some work done so I text him in the morning so we could meet since I didn’t have a key to the office. He was already gone to work so he told me to go to his house and where I could find the spare key. I left myself in and called him as soon as I got there. We facetimed while I found the key. I locked the door and headed into the office. He told me I could have the office key. He ended up dropping by the office and asked if I needed anything before he came. I told him to bring me some water. He did. We talked a little bit then he had to go back to work. We hugged in the parking lot and I rapid fire kissed him before he left and he squeezed my butt. These encounters were so nice to me. I just enjoyed being in his presence. I liked the way I felt when he hugged me. Several sleepovers and talks about what our babies would look like. Tan with red hair he says. Another time I asked him to join me for a doctors appointment one weekend we were supposed to hang out. It turns out his daughter had a soccer game earlier that day and he asked if I wanted to come with and we could go to the appointment after. I said sure. I arrived at his house that morning and we took off for the game. I was so very nervous because his other daughters were there and his ex-wife as well. We found a nice place to sit and cheer. He sat next to me of course and his daughters behind us. His ex-wife took a spot far away from us. We all gathered around to congratulate his oldest daughter on her game. Then we left. On the way home I brought up his daughters allergy to peanuts. I wanted to know more. I am not sure what exactly I said but apparently it didn’t sound sensitive to his ears and he got very defensive. We were planning to stop for food and on our way there this thing happened. He thought I was being insensitive about her allergy. I was simply trying to find out more about it. So there was a period of silence. Even when we got to the restaurant I thought about ordering something and decided against it because I was upset. He finally said something when it came time to pay asking if I was going to pay for it. So I told the lady to give him back his money so I could pay. He insisted he was joking. I didn’t feel a joke about it at all. This was my first time having an issue with Dr. J and I didn’t like it. I felt misunderstood. Then he was acting like he wasn’t feeling very well and wanted to go home instead of going to the doctors with me. I let him know that my appointment was soon but that if he couldn’t make it then I would just have to reschedule. I didn’t know what was happening but I didn’t like it. We made it to the doctor’s appointment. I was getting a cat scan because my doctor suggested I get one since my mom had died of a brain aneurysm that had been undetected because Cat Scans aren’t a normal procedure. The process of the cat scan took around 10 minutes and I was texting him to come swoop me. We went back to his house and when we got there he wanted to let me know that he hadn’t had a girlfriend in a long time so sometimes he takes things the wrong way. Whatever that meant. We ended up starting to watch a movie and having sex then he had to go to work. A surprise finish to what I thought was a disastrous ending. We never spoke about that incident again. These are the building blocks to my relationship with Dr.J. I’m pretty sure it’s too soon to even be called a relationship? Maybe it’s a getting to know you phase. I am not sure. At this point it’s been at least 2 months since we have known each other. I think I might have been building it into something but when you speak to a person just about everyday and hang out with them every week or every other week? A friendship in bloom? Not sure but there’s more…

Calm before the storm…

So my birthday came and went. I didn’t hear from Dr. J I was sad for a few days wondering where he had disappeared to though I had experienced this before so I figured it was more of the same. I ended up hearing from him after a few days and I asked him about me working for him and whatever happened to that plan because I had went to check out his office and then never heard from him for weeks. He told me of his reservations because he said he knew what a great kisser I was so he would want that all the time. I told him that I would be professional and that he had to keep his boss hat on until the hat comes off. So we decided to give it a go and see how I like it starting the following week. I made him emoji handshake on it. We both did and that was that. We made plans to see each other that Friday. For some reason he had in his calendar that my birthday was July 14th. That particular day we were spending together. He screenshot his phone to show me in his calendar. I don’t know why he picked that day but he did and I had to tell him that nope it was the past Sunday that he wasn’t returning my texts. He felt really bad and said he would make it up to me. We had plans to go paddle boarding that evening. I had never been before and he had two board for tall people. So it was perfect. I was really nervous and just being with him made me forgive the lack of being there for my birthday. Even just being in his calendar was special enough for me. I didn’t mention anything to my boyfriend at the time because we weren’t speaking to each other. One night while he was sleeping he started snoring. He had told me in the past that if he was snoring I should play with his nose. He was snoring and I pinched his nose. He woke up and said Fuck you! and I said it back and then he called me a jerk and then I said fuck you back. We went back and forth like that until my last fuck you. The morning after that we didn’t speak. Hadn’t been speaking for a few days so when it was time for me to go my Uber arrived and I just grabbed my bag. My boyfriend asked me where I was going and I said out and left. I got to Dusty’s house and we sat to chat a bit and then we headed to the lake. We got the boards to the lake and I left my shoes by the shore hidden amongst the brush. He told me how to get up onto the board and we were off. My legs were shaking I was so nervous. I had it in my head mentally “Don’t fall off the board, don’t fall off the board!” So I was wobbly. He even commented on how much I was shaking. I told him I was super nervous. We got to our goal point on the lake and then we stopped and sat on our boards and just talked while the sunset behind us. It was really nice we spoke about our past relationships and family life. We both have issues with our fathers. We spoke about his ex-wife and my ex-husband. We probably sat out there for about an hour or two and then we headed back. The sun had almost completely set and I found my shoes at the shore. We headed back to the car and I climbed into the back seat to change out of my bikini and into some regular clothes. I caught Dr. J adjusting the rearview mirror for a peek. I told him I saw him and he said nice nipples. I laughed. I finished getting dressed and hoped in the front seat. When I got in the front seat he grabbed my hand while he drove us to dinner. I love sushi so we had sushi. We talked the whole time he watched me stuff raw tuna in my mouth. After dinner we went to get some frozen yogurt and then headed back to his place. Each time we got in the car he would grab my hand or put his hand on my leg. We got to the place and the Pinkberry girl complimented me on my outfit and Dr.J mentioned how I always get the compliments. I giggled. We got the yogurt to go and we headed back to his house. We went to his house and put on a movie. However we didn’t even really get to watch it I don’t even remember what the movie was about that this point. We immediately started making out and he was touching me all over. This make out session lasted for a good 10 minutes before it became too much. He told me to go to his bedroom. I got up and started removing clothes as I walked down the hall to his bedroom. It all happened so fast. It happened. I had shared my cookie with Dr.J. There was no turning back in my mind. It happened and we fell asleep together. It was wonderful. I wanted this to be my life. I fall so fast. I had fallen. The next morning we woke up and he had to go to work. He’s a very busy man. His work is his life I found out. He dropped me off at home and as soon as I walked into the house Brian was standing there doing something on his phone. He gave me a mean look and I sat my bag down and got changed into my cycling kit and went for a bike ride. By the time I got back he was gone. He didn’t return for the whole day. I was relieved because this allowed me wrap my head around everything that had just happened. I was officially a cheater. My mind wondered did he know? What was he thinking? IS he going to say something? I grabbed his laptop to watch a movie and realized he had changed his password so I could use his laptop to watch movies anymore. So I used mine instead. I knew he was upset but he hadn’t spoken to me for like a week at this point. I was thinking about what an amazing night I had had. I hadn’t been taken out on an adventure in a long time. Trying new things made me giddy inside a feeling I hadn’t had with my boyfriend in a very very long time. I was texting with Dr.J all day for the most part. Now I remember what we tried to watch before it went down. This Chef’s Table show. So I spent the whole day watching all of the series of that show. Thinking about Dr.J. When my boyfriend finally returned home he found me on the couch deep in Chef’s Table. He looked sun burnt and holding an ice chest with a 6 pack. Clearly he had spent the day at the river. Or somewhere drinking away his pain. I was saddened by what I had done but the feelings were now planted into my chest slowly but surely pushing the relationship and love I had for my boyfriend out of the way. Like the rose creeping up from the cement. In silence the rest of that evening was spent.